Ruminations: Top 3 Moments on the Tube

All of the incidents below occurred during evening commutes on the Circle/Hammersmith Lines.

3. Screaming Racaille

I thought that was an appropriate title given Sarkozy’s ascension to the Elysee Palace.

A Zone 1 single cash fare has now risen to the astronomical price of £4.00/ride. By today’s conversion rate, that’s $7.92 to travel a distance that may well be less than a mile. So if you were homeless and/or otherwise desperate, would you want to spend that money trying your luck on a crowd of largely unsympathetic City workers?

That’s what I wanted to ask the guy who got on a westbound route from Liverpool Street Station to shout at commuters about how desperate he was. Maybe he would’ve netted positive had he got on a more student-friendly route, because it seems quite common that a person’s generosity is inversely proportional to the size of his or her funds. I think I saw one person on that train toss a silver coin in his direction; the others kept their newspapers held up firmly to their faces.

I should say that I’m not considering myself a typical City worker here, as I get paid significantly less than your average City worker. I kept my nose in my book simply because I don’t like being harassed by people with no common sense.

I sound like a Republican.

Seriously, though, I’m not a (total) asshole. I always give money to buskers (street musicians) because I think they, for the most part, are providing a pleasant service. I value the fact that they’re cultivating a skill, even if a lot of people have their earbuds so permanently fixed in place that they could miss something like this. Most folks don’t like to be accosted, but I think they do appreciate being inspired to take action. I do, anyway.

This could easily turn into a much more serious debate about those who lack even the basic resources to learn a skill, and are therefore in dire need of redistribution in some form, blah blah blah (again, then why are they spending £4 on a tube journey?). Anyway, that’s fair enough, but this post was meant to be a bit more light-hearted than all that. So that’s #3 on the list.

2. Fluorescent Green Eyeliner Bag Lady

I get on the Tube at Liverpool Street, so I’m usually lucky enough to get a seat before the trains get massively packed. On this particular occasion, I was a few stops into my journey and the seats had all filled when a short and stout woman got on the train with a ridiculous number of grocery bags. Oh yeah, and she was wearing hideous fluorescent green eyeliner. After scoping out the lack of available seats, she brought all her crap over close to where I was sitting, in the middle aisle. Why she would choose that spot instead of the more spacious one by the partitions, I don’t know; people seem to deal well enough when others leave their oversized luggage there. Seems to me that’s what a normal person would’ve done. Actually, I take that back: a normal person wouldn’t have gone grocery shopping during the evening rush with the intent of getting on the tube with that many bags afterward. Mistake #1.

Mistake #2: As the train got more and more packed, this lady decided to place a number of her plastic bags on my knees. At first I gave her the benefit of the doubt and shifted my stance so the bags would slide off. But no, she was determined to keep those bags planted firmly on my knees.

At this point, I decided that I’d been targeted by this seemingly harmless (and poorly made up) woman as the seated tube customer most likely to give up my spot when faced with this subtle assault. I wasn’t having it. I proceeded to draw up my legs so that the bags fell off entirely. She, as a result, made a huge (false) show of nearly falling into my lap.

Now I just sound passive-aggressive. But hey, that’s another trait people in this country are known for. And so is unexpected chivalry, which is why the man sitting across the aisle from me eventually offered his seat to that silly bat. I’m not sure whether he was observing her fake distress or my authentic distress, but I suppose it doesn’t matter. I stood my goddamn ground. Never trust someone with dodgy eye makeup.

1. Boozy Old Bugger

Again on the evening commute. It must’ve been just after 6 pm, and I was sporting a fab new coat purchased on a recent weekend jaunt. The train was more crowded than usual, but I did spot one open seat and made a beeline for it.

It didn’t take me very long to notice that the sleeping man seated next to me smelled really strongly of booze. He also moved around like a sack of bricks whenever the train took a curve. He woke up when the train gave a particularly forceful jolt, and proceeded to make these strange little noises. It took me a second to realize that he was trying to conceal a couple of dry heaves.

This was a dilemma: you really can’t make a scene in such situations if you don’t want to be perceived as a loud/obnoxious/unworldly foreigner. That goes double if you’re American. After all, it could’ve been that this old drunk was just trying to clear his throat. In the end, though, it was my coat that decided for me. I decided to get up and move to the other end of the car to spare it from an unthinkable fate.

Not a second too soon- as soon as I’d done so, this sloppy 70 year old lush puked all over the floor. And rather than leaning over, he looked up instead, so he ended up covered with a substantial amount of his own vomit. Luckily, it didn’t have enough velocity to projectile.

This is disgusting in and of itself, but it’s still not the weirdest part. Out of everyone in that car (and it was a packed car), the only people who made a move towards relative safety were myself and another girl. The girl let out a little shriek, and I was proud of myself for making my move deftly and quietly. At least that’s how I like to think of it. In any case, the other passengers looked up from their evening papers for maybe a second, and then promptly went back to reading. The lush continued to sit in his own vomit, similarly unperturbed. I know the Brits are famous (notorious?) for their ability to keep a stiff upper lip, but…this was just weird. Impressive, though, don’t you think?

When the train pulled into the next station, I ran out of that car and into the next one. The other girl followed suit, and we exchanged a quick glance of disbelief before going back to our own reading. See what joy and camaraderie public transportation can bring into your life?